Determining your sexual orientation can be a confusing experience. However, only you can know whether you identify as a gay person. It may take years, but remember that however you identify, you are a valuable human being. Take your time, discover who you are, and discover whether you fit the sexual identity of being gay or lesbian or whether you are actually straight after all.
(We use the term “gay” to include all forms of homosexuality, whether that be people who are lesbian, gay, or pansexual. Calling ourselves “gay men” and “gay women” gives us the sense that we are all on the same team!)
1. Be clear on the definition of Gay.
There are lots of different considerations on the subject, depending on who you talk to, but be honest with yourself as to what defines being gay to you.
Understand that fantasizing about members of the same sex does not necessarily mean you are gay. Straight people can have the occasional “same-sex fantasy”–a woman having a strange dream involving a lesbian experience or a man wondering about that tough-looking guy in the men’s changing rooms –but just fantasizing or daydreaming this way does not mean that they would jump on the chance when actually given the opportunity to do so.
Understand that if you have had a same sex sexual encounter, it does not mean that you are gay. Many people who later identify as gay have had heterosexual encounters, many quite satisfying. Having one experience does not qualify as a lifetime orientation. If you’ve had an encounter with someone of your own sex and feel anxious or unsettled about it, you may not be gay after all. On the other hand, if you enjoyed an experience with the same sex and, after thoughtfully considering it, realize that you would seek out another same sex relationship, you may identify as a gay person.
2. Realize that there are many different paths to discovering your sexuality.
Some people have known that they were different from the mainstream at a young age. Others may take time to discover their true nature, perhaps even realizing it only in later life.
Understand that sexuality is a very complex issue. There are sometimes degrees of sexual orientation, and if you find you don’t fit easily into one category, perhaps you may identify yourself as bisexual. Don’t allow yourself to be labeled until or unless you are ready and willing to be.
3. Do not attempt to undermine anyone’s realization of their sexuality.
Coming to terms with one’s sexual orientation is often difficult and complicated. Respect the privacy of individuals you know who may be struggling to come out. By the same token, if you are the one struggling, don’t broadcast your struggle to the world unless you want everyone you know to weigh in with their opinions and advice, which is usually not helpful and only clouds the issue.
4. Examine your recent behavior with your friends and acquaintances.
Has there been a close friend you felt extra possessive or protective of, one that you wanted to be your “best friend forever” and you insisted that you were his or her “best friend forever,” too? Did you just want to be her best friend, or did you want to take it further? Think about the way you’re feeling, and really examine and analyze what it means.
5. Look into the reasons that create doubts and confusions.
A bad or unpleasant experience with the opposite sex may orientate you to follow the opposite path. Subconsciously, you may despise or even dislike the opposite sex simply because you don’t click or they simply bring back many painful memories. This, in turn, creates confusion due to a lack of comfort when socializing with or enjoying the opposite sex. Separate these feelings from your sexual orientation or direction, and think clearly if this is what you will really be comfortable with. Remember that this may seem a daunting task, but only the individual will know what is and what is not.
6. Remember that being gay does not require you to conform to typical gay stereotypes.
Most people who are gay are indistinguishable from those who aren’t. Gay people share the same interests, goals, and dreams as straight people. Being a homosexual person does not necessarily make you any less masculine or feminine, and there is no need or pressure to conform to stereotypes that don’t feel right to you–because you are who you are.
7. Remember that you are not alone.
There are many, many gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight people in the community from a variety of backgrounds who have been in your situation. Parents, friends, teachers, and other people in your life can be very supportive, if you feel comfortable talking about this with them. Talking to friends and family members if and when you are ready, and when you feel comfortable and safe, can be a great help. Many people who you might think would not be very supportive might be very understanding.
